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Forces of NatureSo iconic, yet so familiar – is it Regis Philbin or Niagara Falls that captivates our writer?
ILLUSTRATION: HELLOVON Fifty-something years after two of nature’s greatest wonders met via the movies (Niagara Falls and Marilyn Monroe in Niagara), TV star Regis Philbin comes cascading into town to meet his destiny at the falls. “Why?” I ask Regis, a flat-out, far-out force of nature in his very own right. “Why do you do it?” It was an existential lit question, posed in the TV star’s hotel room as he sat before me, looking like the world’s oldest kid, watching a football game from the couch. This passed for a “formal” celebrity interview in what appeared to be exceedingly informal circumstances (except, of course, for the flock of flacks who were in the room doing an admirable job of pretending not to be). I was, in essence, asking Regis why – after earning a Guinness World Record for the most hours ever clocked on television; after decades spent as talk-show host, game-show host, singer and all-around show business gadabout – he was now on the road again, spending this particular Friday night on the Canadian side of the falls to deliver an act in a casino. “To keep things fresh,” he replies, quietly but emphatically. A final answer if I ever heard one. To keep tumbling into the falls of life, in other words. To be able to keep up with Kelly, maybe. To stay active and, therefore, young. Which brings us, not so incidentally, to the fountain of youth that Regis is also here to shill. “I’m in the habit of eating cereal every morning,” he starts to tell me about Kellogg’s All-Bran Guardian, for which he’s now the spokes-senior. It’s a fountain of youth that actually comes in a bowl, complete with 3.5 grams of psyllium (a superhero-worthy fibre that’s been proven to dramatically lower health cholesterol as well as the risk of heart disease). Hey, Philbin, can you spell “psyllium”? He indulges me and does so correctly. The quasi-invisible flacks around us exhale a non-invisible sigh of relief, and a grinning Regis mutters, “Smart aleck.” Hey, Philbin, do you ever have cereal for lunch or dinner? “No, no,” he shudders. “I’m not Jerry Seinfeld.” I ask if the actual falls are around here somewhere. (In my defence, I came directly to the hotel room after arriving in town.) Regis bounces up from the couch, grabs my hand and dramatically draws open the drapes.
Lights, camera, avalanche! “Aren’t they magnificent?” the American asks in that excitable voice of his as we peer down from our Niagara Fallsview Casino Resort vantage point. It’s the same excitable voice I’ve been hearing rave about a hot restaurant or a new movie over the span of several U.S. administrations. “Wow,” I whisper as any ounce of cynicism in my being melts in the presence of a natural phenomenon so familiar, yet still unbelievable. (Not just Regis – more than 168,000 cubic metres of water falling over a crest line every minute!) Never again will I stand before Niagara Falls with a man so iconic, he might as well have his own mug sketched onto Mount Rushmore. But enough about nature. Regis has a game to get back to (Notre Dame, the football team from his beloved alma mater, is still on TV), and I have a reservation at Wolfgang Puck’s down the road. The Fighting Irish score a touchdown just as we’re saying our goodbyes, by which time I pretty much know the Reege is done with my questions, fibrous and otherwise. Off to the touristy eatery it is then as the scenic mist hugs me outside. Hey, Philbin, does Wolfgang do pizza with psyllium fibre? Write to us: letters@enroutemag.net |
