Wouldn’t it be nice if more hotels had technology concierges? These days, I check into hotels with fear and uncertainty. How long will it take me to get the technology working so that I can do my job? It’s usually late and I’m in no mood for the stressful and time-consuming procedures required to get things on-line, charging and working.

Let me preface my top five hotel-related gripes by saying God bless hotels. I’ve had the good fortune to stay in some of the world’s nicest: true oases of calm and comfort that are worth every penny. They seize every opportunity to pamper and are one step ahead in meeting my wants and needs. But hotel managers should realize that all their efforts to make me happy are squandered if I can’t reliably send and receive e-mail. Which brings me to my first complaint.

Today most hotels offer broadband connections, but they’re so flaky that I’m semi-homicidal by the time they’re working. I can often receive e-mail but not send it. I’m forced to contact the hotel’s customer support or its Internet service provider to get help. If I’m very lucky, I talk with someone within a few minutes, and sometimes they even have workaround solutions. When they don’t, I abandon my e-mail system and use my Web browser to send e-mail.

If the broadband connection doesn’t work at all, dial-up is a lousy option. My modem usually won’t work with a digital hotel switchboard. If it does work, the speed is excruciatingly slow. Often the only thing that works is my BlackBerry, so I have to thumb type all the urgent e-mails I wrote on my laptop while on the airplane.

Then there are hotels with wireless access for my laptop, which sounds great, but now I find myself wandering around the room, laptop open and held high, looking for a strong enough signal as if to make an offering to the Internet gods (only to end up sitting in the hallway).

Assuming I can get high-speed Internet access, I then have to comply with the many different billing systems. Even though the reception desk knows all about me and has my credit card number and business address, typically the Internet service provider has absolutely no idea who I am. The two systems don’t talk to each other. So I have to give the same information all over again. And if I’m idle for 15 minutes? I need to go through a modified log-in procedure yet again.

Then there’s major irritant number two: the high cost of Internet access. Hotels call them “user fees,” but the more accurate term is “ransom payments.” They will hold their victims off-line and helpless until they cough up the money. The worst offender so far: Le Meridien Montparnasse in Paris charged me €46 for 36 hours of access – that’s $70 for a day and a half!

Part of the problem is that many hotels observe a strict noon-to-noon billing structure. If I check into a room at 11 p.m. and leave the next afternoon – a total of perhaps 15 hours – I’m stiffed for two full days of service. Hotels have late checkout options; why doesn’t their Internet service?

Nuisance number three is the lack of power outlets. How can so many hotels overlook something so simple? We all need electricity. I’ve got a laptop to plug in and a PDA, cellphone and BlackBerry to recharge – not to mention my iPod and digital camera. Frequently, I’m crawling under the desk, reaching under a bed, moving nightstands and unplugging lamps or the TV to access enough outlets. I don’t think I should have to pack my own power bar.

My fourth stressor is coping with the world’s many variations on voice mail. Right now it’s a free-for-all, with touch-tone key commands changing from continent to continent. And too few hotels have in-room instructions for these systems. I know I’m in trouble when the dreaded computer-generated voice says, “Welcome to the hotel voice mail system. Please enter your ID and password.” ID? Password? I press “0,” the universal symbol for “Help!”

Fifth, I’ll summarize a grab bag of annoyances having to do with various user interfaces. I check in and there is Muzak on the clock radio. There are so many buttons I need a manual to turn it off… only for it to come back on again in 10 minutes. Then there is the fax machine that takes up precious desk real estate. Does anyone actually use it? Or the big keyboard that let’s you access the Internet on your TV? Try and get that baby working. Thank goodness for the in-room video games, on which I can take out my frustrations by blowing up a few space aliens. That is, when I can get them to work. [ ]

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Don Tapscott’s new portal is www.ageoftransparency.com.