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DO MEN FEAR COMMITMENT?
Text: MANON CHEVALIER
SEP 03
Don’t believe for a second that men are afraid of commitment in relationships. They simply fear failure – of any kind. Guys know that a failed relationship can mean divorce, alimony payments for life and painful child custody battles. Not to mention traumatic 2 a.m. phone calls from The Ex. It’s so much easier to stay single and aloof. Why risk coupling up when there’s no guarantee of success – not to mention the risk of major ego damage too?
Love generates angst. It’s cruel. It’s dangerous. And its corollary, commitment, can be even more of a minefield. No wonder that when love rears its sometimes ugly head, many men hesitate – or flee in terror. Conditioned since childhood to pursue success at all costs, men learn to assess the risks and rewards of every undertaking. Eyes on the prize. The greater the fear of failure, the greater the perception of risk. It’s calculated. It’s a guy thing.
Despite it all, men obviously do fall in love – or at least yearn to have a loving woman at their side, which isn’t the same thing. When a woman stands by her man, is it because she’s really, truly in love? Does she love him for who he is or for what he represents to her? Is she drawn to his charming quirks (failings and all) or to her image of the ideal couple?
Women often fall in love with love itself. A woman’s need to be in a relationship can be so strong that her partner is sometimes reduced to a supporting role. And when that happens, he knows it. He sees, reflected in her eyes, a projection that may have very little to do with reality – or with him. Feeling confused and trapped, he goes on the defensive. A woman’s response is often to leave him, branding him egotistical and "afraid of commitment." But when a guy uses that famous excuse – "I can’t commit" – he’s lying by omission. What he’s really saying is "I can’t commit to you." Certain pathological cases excepted, a man who can’t make that investment simply isn’t in love. Or isn’t enough in love.
Obviously, to commit to love requires faith – or at least the desire to convert. That faith is not the exclusive domain of women; men can find it too. Sometimes a man will see the light when, after a string of failed relationships, he finally stumbles upon the real thing. When he meets the woman who makes him think, "With her, I could." With her, he feels secure (the need for security is also not exclusive to women). With her, he feels accepted for who he is. With her, he is propelled by a desire far stronger than fear of failure. With her, it’s genuine. With her, he can commit. And that can be a guy thing too. Eventually. [ ]
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SEP 03
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