ENROUTE TV   ENROUTE FM   MEDIA KIT   AIR CANADA   LINKS   WRITERS'   GUIDELINES	A BRAND NEW SECRET AGENT - Starring Jamie Salé & David Pelletier Agent 007 never did bond with Canada. So the screenwriter of the blockbuster Speed and the TV series Boomtown pitches a Hollywood producer on inventing some action heroes of our own. Text: GRAHAM YOST To: Mark Gordon From: Graham Yost Re: Brand, Jacques Brand Imagine this: FADE IN Ext. Niagara Falls observation area, dusk BRAND is at the railing with binoculars, looking down, watching the Maid of the Mist, the boat that plies the swirling rapids below the falls. Brand senses movement behind him and turns, instinctively, like a lynx. His ATTACKER (leather coat, ski mask) fires a silenced Glock. The first bullet slams into Brand’s shoulder like a Brett Hull slapshot. Knowing the second bullet will find his head, Brand grabs his assailant and pulls him close, throwing the man’s aim high. That’s the good news. The bad news: They both tumble over the railing and plummet into the swirling mists. As they drop, Brand yells. BRAND Who are you? Getting no answer, Brand grabs the man’s ski mask and pulls. Brand gasps. For behind the mask is no hardened thug, but one of the most beautiful women Brand has ever laid eyes on, and he’s laid eyes on quite a few... I know what you’re thinking: "Kind of cool, but why is Graham writing me this? Who’s Brand? What’s it all about?" Well, Mark, as you may know (or should know, having married a Canadian), the Great White North has been severely shortchanged in the secret agent film department. That British spy character, the double-0 fellow whose name I shall not deign to mention, has a new movie coming out this November. (I think it’s called Die Again Tomorrow When the World is Enough Already.) Now, why am I so peeved at the martini-swilling, Walther-toting, Aston Martin-driving, Saville Row-clad spy? Do the math. There have been more than 20 of these Brit spy movies; and you know how many times that guy has been to Canada? Try never. (I think they may have shot one stunt on Baffin Island years ago, but it was doubling for Norway.) So I say, the hell with him. We don’t want him. We will come up with our own superspy. So here are just a few ideas I’ve been noodling on for the creation of a Canadian secret agent. Our Hero: "Je m’apelle Brand, Jacques Brand." Father hailing from Ottawa and mother from Hull, Brand is completely bilingual and bicultural. He was recruited after university (University of Toronto undergrad; McGill post-grad) by CSIS (Canada’s CIA/FBI). He has become their best field agent. He’s 30- or 40-something, brilliant, witty, charming, athletic and terribly handsome. (I know what you’re thinking: "Just like Graham!") Sophisticated yet down-to-earth, he’s equally at home roping a steer at his uncle’s ranch in southern Alberta or fastening a rope of pearls around a lady friend’s neck before they step out to the Casino de Montréal. His preferred drink is an Iceberg Vodka martini. We can even do a play on the British chap’s famous catchphrase. When asked if he wants his martini shaken or stirred, Brand can reply that he doesn’t care: "I just want it chilled, and not spilled." The Story: A brilliant Canadian scientist, Roland Tushe, invents the world’s first simple hydrogen-powered car. (Pour a cup of water in the tank, and it runs for a week.) He is murdered, and all clues point to the Dutchman, a mysterious international crime figure who has surfaced in Toronto. Brand infiltrates the Dutchman’s operation and is then almost killed in the Niagara Falls scene by Roland’s beautiful daughter, Magnifique Tushe. (Like the Brit spy flicks, we need to have beautiful women with vaguely naughty names: a Thai kick-boxer named Skimpy Thong, a Cree bush pilot named Makes Love Standing and a Labrador-based sea kayaker named Salacious de Bustier.) Brand and Magnifique trail the Dutchman across Canada. There’s a cool sea kayak chase, a terrifying encounter with polar bears in Churchill, a horse chase that starts at the Stampede and leads through the streets of Calgary, a car vs. helicopter chase up the Sea-to-Sky Highway from Vancouver to Whistler and a really jaw-dropping snowmobile chase over the barren Arctic wastes of Ellesmere Island. It’s on Ellesmere Island, at the Dutchman’s vast secret headquarters, that Brand discovers the man’s scheme. They assumed he stole the plans for the hydrogen car because he wanted to make billions off it. Wrong. He wants to suppress it. He wants global warming to continue. In fact, he’s been buying up vast quantities of the Canadian North. When temperatures rise, Canada will truly become the breadbasket of the world, and the Dutchman will control the globe’s food supply. In the climax, Brand kills the Dutchman, kisses the girl, and off we go to a series of ever-more-successful sequels. Gadgets: Brand has to have gadgets, and lots of them: a pen that shoots flames, a watch that can remote-pilot an airplane, turbo-powered roller shoes. Also, he will do a lot of his communicating with Ottawa using an encrypted BlackBerry (the hand-held e-mailer, invented in Canada), which has fingerprint detectors and a retinal scanner so that only he can use it. I would love to see one of the Dutchman’s cronies get his hands on Brand’s BlackBerry. He’s trying to read Brand’s top secret messages when he gets a message of his own: "You’re dead." A split second later, the hidden explosives detonate and kabloom! Bye-bye, bad guy. Car: The smartest thing the British guy is doing in his next film is getting back behind the wheel of an Aston Martin. Nothing against the BMWs he’s been driving, but compared to a Vanquish? Please. Thing is, we can’t top an Aston Martin, so I say we go pure Canadian. We dig up a Bricklin (a gull-winged luxury sports car, built in New Brunswick back in the 1970s). Quite snappy-looking if I remember, and when tricked out with laser-guided smart bombs, an instant ice-sheet sprayer and remote-controlled Ninja flying hubcaps, it will rock. Airplane: Brand needs a plane. The British guy doesn’t have one, but Canada is a big country and our boy needs his own plane. A beautifully appointed and gizmo-laden Canadair Jet would be the natural way to go. (Maybe if we feature it prominently enough, they’ll let us have one. Fat chance!) The other option is a crazy one, but I know it would appeal to our older audience members (especially my father, who used to work at Avro): Maybe Brand could pilot a perfectly restored Avro Arrow. (The Arrow was a revolutionary jet fighter that Canada was building in the 1950s until we caved into pressure from you Americans to stop it). Seeing an Arrow slice through the clouds would be wild. Music: We’ll need a great main title song. The question is who to sing it? I think the British spy films have gone wacky in their use of pop bands. Okay, McCartney’s song was brilliant, but main title songs by a-ha and Duran Duran? The last one was by a band called Garbage. Yeah, I know they’re hip, but do you really want a credit on your movie that reads "Die Again Tomorrow Another Day" performed by Garbage? The best Brit spy flick song (the one about the Gold guy) was sung by a very classy lady, Shirley Bassey. Let’s go Canadian class and get Diana Krall. Casting: We both know Keanu owes us (he was just any Bill or Ted until we put him on the bus), but he’s tied up with The Matrix movies for a while. For a lighter, snappier Brand, how about someone along the lines of Matthew Perry? (Rumour has it that he was considered as a replacement for Brosnan on those Brit movies.) My wildest (and favourite) idea is to use a famous non-pro with international name and face recognition and likeability: David Pelletier. Can he act? I don’t know. But come on, could Roger Moore act? And, if we could lasso David, then maybe for the part of Magnifique we could get Jamie Salé. She’s beautiful, athletic and would be a good adversary/partner for Brand. We could even play with their public personas; Magnifique could say that, due to allergies, she can’t wear silver jewelry, only gold. That’s all I have for now, Mark. Let me know what you think. ----- SOUNDTRACK Whether seducing his leading lady or saving the world, our new Canadian spy is always accompanied by smooth sounds. Here’s a sneak peek at the exclusive soundtrack of his next film. Compilation: NICOLAS TITTLEY Portishead Mysterons - Dummy (Go!/Universal) Zero 7 Polaris - Simple Things (Quango/Palm) John Barry The Persuaders Theme - The Best of John Barry, Themeology (Simple Vinyl) Barry White Love's Theme - The Ultimate Collection (Polygram) Diana Krall Hit That Jive, Jack - All for You (Impulse!/Universal) Count Basie Kingston Calypso - Basie Meets Bond (Blue Note) Stan Getz Desafinado - Stan Getz (Polygram) Thievery Corporation 2001 Spliff Odyssey - Sound from the Thievery Hi-Fi (Est/Fusion III) Roni Size/reprazent Brown Paper Bag - New Forms (Polygram) Rage Against the Machine Bullet in the Head - Rage Against the Machine (Epic/Sony) ----- BRAND'S LITTLE BLACK BOOK Here’s a private peek at the goodies needed to sustain our favourite spy. Accommodation ARC the Hotel, Ottawa www.arcthehotel.com 1-800-699-2516 Rendezvous with my CSIS contact in the lounge. Hôtel Le St-James, Montréal www.hotellestjames.com 514-841-3111 The terrace apartment makes a perfect pied-à-terre. The Sutton Place Hotel, Vancouver www.suttonplace.com 604-682-5511 The epitome of discretion. Gerard Lounge mixes a mean martini. Windsor Arms, Toronto www.windsorarmshotel.com 416-971-9666 Indispensable 24-hour butler assistance. Epicurean Catch, Calgary www.creativeri.com/catch 403-206-0000 Fresh oysters and a deadly 007 cocktail: vodka, champagne and absinthe. Eagle’s Eye, Golden, B.C. www.kickinghorseresort.com/eagles_eye/ 1-866-754-5425 Canada’s highest restaurant – dramatic gondola ride and romantic view. The Fifth, Toronto 416-979-3005 Covert op: entrance via the alley, freight elevator to the dining room. Lumière, Vancouver www.lumiere.ca 604-739-8185 Genius chef Rob Feenie and a Frisco Sour that rivals the vodka martini. Grooming Spa Givenchy, Saint-Marc-sur-Richelieu www.lestroistilleuls.com 514-856-7787 Always the favourite of my maman. Miraj Hammam Spa, Vancouver www.mirajhammam.com 604-733-5151 Only place in Canada to get a proper Turkish bath. Men’s night on Thursday. O2raOxygen spa, Calgary www.oraoxygen.net 403-717-3744
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